Home Runs

There are advantages to being under a stay-at-home order.

by Mickey Brandt

When you begin to think that staying home all the time is driving you crazy, just reflect on a few things:

• You don’t have to buy gas.

• You can’t get a speeding ticket.

• You don’t have to loan your car to your teenager so she can’t get a speeding ticket either.

• You don’t have to drive at night; you don’t have to drive in the rain; you don’t have to drive when it’s sunny and nice.

• It doesn’t matter if you lose your keys.

• The kids have to wash their hands.

• No more teachers’ dirty looks except on a screen, which they can turn off.

• No one can miss the bus, get bullied, or serve detention.

• Doorbell rings, you wait a minute, you open your door, your stuff is there, you bring it in. Sweet!

• Jehovah’s Witnesses can’t talk to you on the porch, ditto Verizon salespeople about how much you need FIOS.

• You have the time to learn how to juggle.

• You never knew you were as good at puzzles as Ellen DeGeneres.

• Carving 92 new birds.

• Doing Zumba on Zoom.

• Learning all those exotic new words on Words with Friends.

• Learning to sew hundreds of masks. Or not.

• You get to post killer tweets, like “We’re all toast if Kevin Bacon gets the virus.”

• Pretty loose schedule (see calendar of blank days).

• You realize most people look better with their face half-covered.

• You just drive to curbside, pick up, and head out; no more waiting in a line of 14 at the only open register. Nice.

• Having a toast every night that liquor stores are essential businesses. Yay!

• Learning that if you have a beer in each hand, you can’t touch your face.

Mark D’Onofrio picks out greens at Malench’s Farm Market in Vineland.

• Realizing how fortunate you are to live in farm country where good food is easy to get.

• You realize you’ve always hated the gym.

• Every day is the best day of your dog’s life because you’re with him.

• You have some cheap fun listening to rush-hour traffic reports: “The Schuylkill looks good, no traffic on Route 55, no backups on 295, all bridges are clear.”

• On Zoom, you only have to look good from the waist up.

• Your in-laws aren’t allowed to visit.

• You get solace from knowing that every other person is wasting time, too.

So, sit back, have something to drink, look out the window, read SNJ Today. You may never want to have it any other way.

Mickey Brandt is a retired teacher. LOL.